#sorry for the backslashes but i dont want this in any main tags aldjskd

[shvdowsdrowned]

I have 2 fucking posts about this in my drafts but fuck it, I'm gonna post it. I think I might be autistic but I literally cannot explain WHY I think this might be 😭😭 like,,,, the more I think about how I react to certain situations the more I'm like "hmmm that wasn't normal 🤔🤔" BUT I ONLY HAVE LIKE 2 OR 3 EXAMPLES BC I TRY NOT TO PUT MYSELF IN SITUATIONS IN GENERAL ALDHEOFJSOFJS

So like for example, during Thanksgiving we were sitting at the dining room table and I was feeling okay until my mom put the conversation on me and then as my cousin and I were talking I couldn't make ANY eye contact with him AND I WAS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS EVEN THOUGH WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT TATTOOS??? ALL HE ASKED WAS "would you ever consider getting one" and I felt like I was gonna burst into tears but I kept the conversation going and I was constantly avoiding his eyes the entire time 😭😭

Another example: when I was looking for my first job, every time we stopped in front of the store I would break down crying bc I didnt know how to handle this new situation and my mom thought it was just "first job anxiety" but it felt SO much worse than that??? I dont really know how to explain it but when I got home my dad yelled at me and made it worse so <3

Last example: I've always had a hard time talking on the phone (I have no idea what my issue is with that but I just CAN'T do it??) But my mom was like "you gotta make a grooming appointment for the dog" and all I said was "uh, no" aldhekdhs and then my parents and I had a talk about it and all I said was "I dont know what my problem is" and the conversation ended there. I'm aware that talking on the phone is no big deal but I feel like a fucking idiot every time and I freak out a lot beforehand

Anyways, I took the RAADS-R autism test and if you score over 65 you likely have autism,, I scored 101 out of 240 so <3

ANOTHER EXAMPLE BC I JUST REMEMBERED: When I got my cats they were the first animals that were mine and that I had to take care of and since my parents made it sound like I was taking care of a baby i cried the first night cause i couldn't handle the change and i thought i wasnt gonna be able to take care of them (everything is fine now but the first few days were rough). THEN when I got my dog I had a meltdown bc I was stressing my cats out a lot and I felt so bad for them but eventually I got over it but those first few nights were also really difficult (again everything is fine now) but I'm gonna take that as i cant handle a big change in my life (hence why I had a meltdown over getting a job aldjskfjskdj)

Okay last example for real aldjskfjskd when I get into a new media I cant focus on something else (in the beginning) it has to be all about that media. So when I got into ap//ex, the first year was all about that game, I literally could not put it down I felt like I HAD to play it every chance I got. My friend introduced me to mor//tal kom//bat when I was still into ap//ex and I just couldnt get into mk at all, I only played when she wanted to. THEN months after I bought mk, I picked it up again and I couldnt put it down for a few months, along with ap//ex so I had 2 games to focus on. Then mk fell out and ap//ex stayed and I went through that pattern a few times with a couple other games but I've been into ap//ex nonstop since I first picked it up. Now my 2 focuses are ap//ex and fn//af but based on the previous patterns, fn//af is gonna fall out at some point and ap//ex will be there to keep me company until I find another game. (Before I got into ap//ex over//watch was my fixation for a LONG time and I went through the same fuckin thing with that game as I do now. Before that?? Probably cod and before that, poke//mon I think??)

I'm aware this is called a hyper fixation but I dont like calling it that bc to me, hyper fixation means all you do is consume that media and go out of your way to know everything about that media but I dont think I'm that extreme?? Or is that called a special interest?? I dont think I have any of those unless ap//ex counts aldjskfjskdjs

I'm gonna save this post just in case I get lucky and end up getting a therapist <3